The Grief We Don’t Always Recognize: A Father’s Perspective on Pregnancy Loss
Introduction
Welcome to the Empowering NICU Parents’ Podcast!
Our podcast is dedicated to supporting, educating, and empowering parents navigating the challenges of having a baby in the NICU.
What happens when two parents experience the same heartbreaking loss but grieve in completely different ways? How do you support the person you love when you’re struggling with your own grief? And what happens when the emotions we carry go unspoken, sometimes for years?
After nearly six years of hosting the Empowering NICU Parents podcast, I’m welcoming a very special first-time guest—my husband, Josh.
This episode offers a rare glimpse into our relationship as we reflect on some of the most difficult experiences we’ve faced together. More than ten years ago, we said goodbye to our baby, Weston. Just seven months later, we experienced another heartbreaking loss when we lost Quin.
While we experienced these losses together, we didn’t always navigate our grief at the same pace or in the same way. At times, that left us feeling confused, disconnected, and struggling to understand what the other was going through.
Pregnancy and infant loss are often discussed from a mother’s perspective, but fathers experience these losses, too. Their grief may look different, be expressed differently, or go unrecognized altogether.
In this deeply personal conversation, Josh shares his experience as a father, the pressure he felt to remain strong, and the emotions he sometimes carried privately. Together, we reflect on our marriage, our faith, the decisions we faced after our losses, and the ways our experiences continue to shape our family.
There are moments of laughter, vulnerability, and reflection, along with a deeper appreciation of what each of us was carrying all those years ago.
Our hope is that this conversation helps parents recognize that grief doesn’t always look the same, encourages couples to continue communicating, and reminds fathers and partners that their grief matters, too.
Get Ready to Become Empowered, This is the Empowering NICU Parents’ Podcast.
The Grief We Don't Always Recognize: A Father's Perspective on Pregnancy Loss – Empowering NICU Parents' Podcast
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About Our Guest
Josh Nyberg
Josh Nyberg is Nicole’s husband of 13 years and the proud father of William, Weston, and Quin. He is a Heavy Equipment Operator. In his first appearance on the Empowering NICU Parents’ Podcast, Josh shares some of his personal experiences navigating William’s premature birth and NICU hospitalization, followed by the subsequent losses of Weston and Quin, and the challenges of balancing his own grief with his desire to support his wife, Nicole, and family.
Through his willingness to share some of his personal memories, Josh offers a heartfelt glimpse into the grief fathers carry, the ways loss can shape a marriage, and the role faith plays in finding a way forward. His reflections remind us that fathers grieve deeply, too, even when their pain isn’t always visible or acknowledged. Together, we explore how the heartbreak of losing a baby can linger for years, how hope and fear can become intertwined in pregnancies that follow, and why both mothers and fathers deserve to feel seen, heard, and supported throughout their journey.
Episode 84
From William’s NICU Journey to Another High-Risk Pregnancy
Before experiencing pregnancy loss, our journey into parenthood had already been marked by uncertainty and fear. William was born at just 23 weeks and 4 days following a complicated pregnancy and emergency cesarean delivery. His 91-day NICU stay was an experience that profoundly affected both of us.
When we eventually decided to try for another baby, we had undergone medical evaluations and felt ready to move forward. Josh recalls a humorous moment when I was hesitant to take a pregnancy test, so he took matters into his own hands to find out whether we were expecting.
But alongside the excitement of another pregnancy came the memories of everything we had experienced with William. When complications began around the same point in my pregnancy, those fears returned. Josh describes being terrified, not only about the possibility of losing another baby but also about the serious risks to my health.
Remembering Weston: A Different Outcome and a Heartbreaking Goodbye
Our pregnancy with Weston followed a course that felt painfully familiar. After a relatively uncomplicated first trimester, problems developed around 13–14 weeks, leading to another hospitalization. This time, however, we did not experience the outcome we had hoped for.
We reflect on the emotions surrounding Weston’s loss, including the fear, uncertainty, and heartbreak of saying goodbye. I also share memories of Susan, a nurse who had cared for me during my emergent and traumatic delivery with William and suddenly, she returned to care for me during Weston’s delivery, in the most beautiful timing and way. The compassion and dignity she showed Weston remain among my most meaningful memories of that experience.
During some of the most heartbreaking moments a family will ever experience, healthcare professionals have an extraordinary opportunity to make a lasting difference. While they cannot take away the pain of losing a baby, their compassion, kindness, and the way they acknowledge and honor that baby’s life can create moments of beauty and comfort amid unimaginable heartbreak.
Susan did that for us. She had already supported me through so much during William’s delivery, and when we faced the heartbreaking birth and loss of Weston, she was there for us again. Through her compassion, kindness, and the way she cared for Weston, she made us feel that he was seen, valued, and loved for exactly who he was—our baby, our son. During one of the most devastating moments of our lives, she gave us beautiful memories amid the heartbreak. That is something I will never forget and will forever be grateful for.
Experiencing Another Pregnancy and the Loss of Quin
Only months after losing Weston, we learned that I was pregnant again. We discuss the complicated emotions surrounding that news, including the initial excitement followed almost immediately by fear about what might happen.
Seven months after losing Weston, we experienced another heartbreaking loss when we lost Quin. Unlike Weston’s delivery, my experience with Quin involved beginning to miscarry naturally and ultimately requiring a D&C.
Although both losses were devastating, the physical circumstances and emotional experiences were different. We reflect on how those differences affected us individually and how the fear and grief from our earlier experiences continued to influence our reactions.
When Mothers and Fathers Experience Grief Differently
One of the central themes of this episode is the difference between experiencing a loss together and grieving that loss in the same way.
Josh reflects on the different experiences of mothers and fathers, including the physical connection a mother has with her baby during pregnancy and the emotional challenges fathers may experience as they try to support their partners.
We discuss how I was sometimes consumed by my own grief, while Josh was focused on helping me through it. He acknowledges that he tried to remain strong for me, even though he had difficult moments of his own behind closed doors.
We also share some of the differences in our communication styles. While I often want to continue talking through an experience, Josh is more inclined to express what he needs to say and then move forward. These differences sometimes made it difficult to understand what the other person needed.
Our conversation is a reminder that grieving differently doesn’t mean loving differently. Recognizing and respecting those differences can be an important part of supporting one another.
The Grief Fathers Carry—The Emotions Often Overlooked
After our losses, I ask Josh whether people checked on him and acknowledged that he was grieving, or whether most of the attention was directed toward me.
He reflects on the people he felt comfortable turning to and how rarely anyone asked about his well-being other than my parents and his mother.
We explore the expectations fathers may place on themselves to remain strong and the ways those expectations can affect their willingness to express sadness, fear, anger, or vulnerability.
Josh also emphasizes that when a father is struggling emotionally, the effects can extend into other parts of life, including work, finances, relationships, and marriage. He encourages fathers to recognize when they need support rather than assuming they must handle everything themselves.
Grief, Anger, and Decisions About Growing Our Family
Pregnancy loss can affect far more than the immediate experience of losing a baby. It can also change how parents envision their future and the decisions they feel prepared to make.
Josh and I discuss the difficult emotions surrounding the possibility of having more children, including the fear of experiencing another complicated pregnancy or devastating loss.
We reflect on conversations about our family’s future, including the possibility of surrogacy or adoption and Josh’s decision to have a vasectomy. Josh shares how anger and the desire to prevent further heartbreak influenced his thinking.
These were deeply personal decisions shaped by everything we had already experienced. Looking back, we recognize that we were not always processing those decisions or the emotions behind them in the same way.
Marriage, Communication, and the Lasting Effects of Grief
Having a critically ill baby in the NICU can place tremendous stress on a marriage. Experiencing two subsequent pregnancy losses added another layer of emotional strain.
We speak openly about the ways grief influenced our communication, our reactions, and our ability to understand one another. We also acknowledge that some emotions from William’s premature birth and NICU hospitalization had not been fully processed before we experienced our losses.
I share how those accumulated experiences eventually led me to seek professional support.
We shared how important it is to keep communication open, even when couples have different ways of expressing their emotions. We reflect on how grief can affect everyday life and relationships long after the initial loss.
More than a decade later, we are still learning about each other’s experience and and how our perception of it has evolved with time and some healing. This conversation itself provided an opportunity to revisit feelings and perspectives that we had not always fully understood and could actually take a step back and view from a different lens.
The Guilt Parents Carry After Loss
We also address the guilt that can accompany pregnancy complications and the loss of a baby.
I share how I have continued, even years later, to question whether I could have done something differently, should have sought help sooner, or somehow could have prevented our losses. Even with my clinical knowledge and experience, those feelings continue to linger.
Our discussion illustrates how guilt can remain part of a parent’s grief for years, even when there is no reason to believe they could have changed the outcome.
We encourage parents to talk openly about these feelings and to seek support rather than carrying guilt, anger, and unanswered questions alone.
Faith, Perspective, and Finding Our Way Forward
Faith has played an important role in our marriage and in how we’ve navigated difficult experiences.
Josh and I reflect on moments when I have questioned God’s plan or struggled with the reasoning or reality of our losses. We discuss how our faith has helped us find perspective, even when we have not had answers to the questions we’ve carried.
We also recognize that gratitude for the life we share today does not erase the pain of what happened or the sadness of wondering what life would have been like with Weston and Quin here.
Our conversation explores how faith, grief, gratitude, and unanswered questions can coexist.
Keeping Weston and Quin Part of Our Family
One of the most meaningful parts of our conversation centers on how we continue to remember and honor Weston and Quin.
Josh talks about the framed ultrasound images we keep in our home and how William has grown up knowing about his siblings. We share memories of William as a toddler talking about the babies being present and how naturally they have remained part of our family’s story.
Josh also describes the significance of Weston’s urn being kept close to William, in his room, and the comfort he finds in knowing that Weston is close to his brother.
Although our time with Weston and Quin was brief, they have never stopped being part of our family. Their names, memories, and the love we have for them remain present in our lives every single day.
One of the most emotional moments of our conversation came when I asked Josh what being Weston and Quin’s dad means to him today. It was a question that completely caught him off guard. As he searched for the words to answer, he shared his hopes that our babies can see the love we give their brother, William, that they are proud of our family, and that one day we will all be together again. It was a beautiful reminder that even after all these years, there are thoughts and feelings we haven’t fully shared with one another.
Weston & Quin’s stockings hung next to William’s
A Message to Fathers: Don’t Be Too Proud to Ask for Help
As our conversation comes to a close, Josh shares what he most wants other fathers to understand.
He acknowledges that supporting a partner through pregnancy loss can be emotionally, physically, and spiritually challenging. Fathers may feel responsible for remaining strong, but they can also experience profound sadness, fear, and emptiness.
His message is clear: Don’t be too proud to ask for help.
We discuss the value of having someone to talk to, whether that’s a therapist, counselor, trusted friend, family member, or mentor. Sometimes, having someone who is willing to listen can make an important difference.
Neither parent should feel responsible for carrying every emotion or navigating every challenge alone.
Looking back, Josh acknowledges that he wishes he had sought support from a therapist or counselor to help process his own grief. Although he focused on being strong and supporting our family, he now recognizes that he could have benefited from having someone to talk to about what he was experiencing. His reflection reinforces an important message for fathers: seeking support isn’t a sign of weakness, and you don’t have to navigate grief alone.
Closing
As we bring this conversation to a close, I want to thank Josh for being willing to share such a personal part of our lives. His honesty and vulnerability offer a perspective that we simply don’t hear enough about.
One of the things that stood out to me is that even when two people experience the same heartbreaking loss, they may carry it, process it, and express their grief in completely different ways. That doesn’t mean one person loved their baby more or that one person’s grief matters more.
Looking back, there are certainly things we could have handled differently. There were times when we didn’t fully understand what the other person needed, and times when we were each trying to get through something we didn’t know how to put into words.
And here we are, more than ten years later, still learning, growing, and discovering new perspectives on experiences that have shaped our lives.
Grief doesn’t follow a timeline. Sometimes, even years later, a conversation can bring a new understanding of what someone we love was going through.
I want to encourage couples to keep talking to one another, even when it’s difficult, even when you don’t have the right words, and even when you’re not experiencing those emotions in the same way. Don’t assume that because time has passed, there’s nothing left to talk about.
And please, find someone you trust to talk to. Don’t sit alone with your grief, guilt, anger, or any of the feelings you may be carrying. You’re not supposed to have all the answers, nor should you try to work through everything on your own.
For those who have experienced pregnancy or infant loss, I hope you know that you don’t have to grieve in a certain way, reach a particular milestone, or stop talking about your baby simply because time has passed.
I am incredibly grateful for William and the life we get to share with him. But that gratitude doesn’t erase the love we have for Weston and Quin or the sadness of wondering what life would look like with them here.
They are, and always will be, part of our family.
Whether your loss happened recently or many years ago, whether you had days, weeks, or months with your baby, or never had the opportunity to hold them, their life matters.
Say their name. Share their memory. Make space for both the love and the grief, and honor them in ways that are meaningful to your family.
Because no matter how brief their life, the love you have for your baby is immeasurable, and you will hold them in your heart forever.
Thank you for being part of the Empowering NICU Parents community. If this conversation resonated with you, please share it with someone who might need to hear it, especially a father or partner whose grief may have gone unrecognized.
Until next time, I’m Nicole Nyberg, reminding you that your experiences matter, your voice matters, and you deserve to feel supported every step of the way.
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